You can't special order awesome
I wish you could order shots online.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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