so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
