Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
