I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
