Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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