Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
