just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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