at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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