You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
