Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
