Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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