i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
