Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
