3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
