The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm really busy with my period
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