Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
