You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
