Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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