I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
