If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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