Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
