well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
