u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
