I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
