I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
