im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
