I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
