last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
