I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
