If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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