went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
There's even glitter on my cock...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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