Jerry, you need to find god
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
