You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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