Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
