My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
