Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize