There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
