The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
