i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
