if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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