Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
