just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
