We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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