he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
