the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
