That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
