thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
