My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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