Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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