new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
