You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
