gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
