I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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