my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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